I even remember asking people how contractions actually feel like. They said i would know it myself, when it comes.
And it hit me hard.
After 12.5 hrs of struggling through labor pains, the doc told us that baby’s heart rate was dropping. They reeled me in for the emergency c section. My family was worried crazy… Esp my hubby who tried to look as solid as a rock while i was taken inside the OT and my mom who was crying her eyes out as if that was the last time she would be seeing me.
Got super scared and nervous, but it all got over in a few min.
I was waiting for my emotions to rush in and to feel overwhelmed but nah… I forced a smile at mytinytigger and told him that i love him. But I obviously didn’t feel it. As they brought him to me for me to nurse him, I thought I’d get connected to him, nah. Still nothing. My mom kept on asking how happy I was. All the relatives asked me if I was happy to see my baby after such a long struggle. I silently smiled at them and was cursing myself underneath as to what was wrong with me
After 17 odd days of not knowing why I wasn’t feeling love towards the tiny human that i created, I saw my mom unable to pacify my baby as he was crying and then it hit me like a wave… I took him from my mom, went into my room, hugged him n cried as I rocked him and he slept in exactly a minute n half but I didn’t put him down. Didn’t want to rather. Cos that is when I felt like I was him mom. For then n forever!
So yes. I cried. I felt emotions that I knew, I would feel, but not when I thought they would come, but totally unexpected and all of a sudden
And now, with my baby at 5 months old, i still feel so over the moon in the morning and under the sea by afternoon, but now I know that it’s not up to me to decide when I will feel what, they are my emotions that are running untamed. And as long as I am feeling overall happy or contended in a day, i know that they are what make me uniquely myself. And I know that they are for me and not for anyone else to judge.